Saturday, March 31, 2012

Go Fuck Yourself, Hollywood Part II Again Two

Hollywood, I totally understand you're in the business of making money. I get that, really.  But for the love of fuck, STOP MAKING UNNECESSARY SEQUELS.

Obviously everything can't be "The Godfather, Part II" but who exactly was clamoring for sequels to "Midnight Run" and "Twins"?

If you haven't seen "Midnight Run", I highly suggest you bump it to the top of your viewing queue. Ask this blogger if you want more proof. Or this one. A fantastic movie with a great ending and absolutely NO need to make a sequel some 25 years later, especially with Brett Ratner at the helm. De Niro's attached to it but what about Charles Grodin? If you absolutely positively have to continue the story of Walsh and The Duke, bring EVERYBODY back. And I mean everybody from director Martin Brest to actors like Dennis Farina, Joe Pantoliano, Yaphet Kotto, and John Ashton. Do it right or don't do it at all.

I liked "Twins" when it came out. It is what it is. A one-joke comedy that showed off Ah-nuld's (limited) comedy chops. Now there's word that "Twins" will become "Triplets", with Eddie Murphy being the long-lost triplet.


Look, I'm not against the idea of a sequel to a successful movie. The first three Indiana Jones movies are timeless, as is the original Star Wars trilogy. They advanced the story, they developed the characters, they weren't (totally) a cash grab. More recently, the Bourne movies were tremendous and really well-done (not in love with the idea of a Damon-less Bourne but we'll see).

Here's my problem: there were 27 sequels in 2011 alone, with more on the horizon. How about a little originality? Not everything has to be "Inception" but Jesus Christ, do we need six "Fast and Furious" films? Do we need three "Hangover" movies when the only difference is the location?

Here's a partial list of completed or proposed sequels, tell me if any of these NEED to be made.
  • Men in Black 3
  • GI Joe 2
  • Ghostbusters 3 (read my rant here)
  • Die Hard 5
  • Rambo 5 (OK I'd see this. Fuck off.)
  • Get Smart 2
  • Indiana Jones 5 (NO FUCKING WAY)
  • Mad Max 4
  • I, Robot 2
  • Austin Powers 4
  • Falling Down 2 (WHAT? He died in the first one!)
  • Hancock 2 (I almost walked out of the first one)
  • Top Gun 2 (Sighs...)
  • Beverly Hills Cop 4 (Eddie, just stop already)
  • Avatar 2 and 3
  • Terminator 5
  • Jurassic Park 4

Still reading? Here are some completed or proposed remakes. Again, are these needed?
  • Total Recall
  • Spiderman (How do you reboot a trilogy that began in 2002?)
  • Child's Play
  • The Lone Ranger (With Johnny Depp as Tonto. That's more offensive to Native Americans than the Indians logo.)
  • Robocop
  • Scarface 
  • Short Circuit
  • Point Break
  • WarGames
  • Time Bandits (Hi Nate!)
  • Commando
  • Lethal Weapon

Instead of trying to re-invent the wheel, how about coming up with something original for once?  Sequels are fine but like everything else in life, everything's better in moderation.*

*Except "Rambo 5", which I clearly plan on seeing with a stick of butter in my hand and my pants around my ankles.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Opening Morning?

Eat a dick, Bud.

That's all I have to say to the esteemed baseball commissioner after the latest debacle to hit his sport (no, not the Mets but I'll mention them in a few).

For some reason, the Milwaukee powers (I'm including him and his wig as two people) that be thought it would be a great idea to start the regular season A) while spring training was still going on, B) in Tokyo, and C) in the middle of the fucking night of the fanbases.

You don't see this in any other major sport. Look at the NFL. You have that Thursday night game (which I hate btw) that stands alone before the other games on Sunday. The NBA started on Christmas. All for the same reason: when the season starts, THE SEASON FUCKING STARTS.  All exhibition games should be done. And not only that, but when the Mariners and A's are stateside again, they go BACK to playing Cactus League games. Are you fucking kidding me?

Here's my second point: I'm not a fan of major sports playing outside North America. What's the point? Do I need to see MLB in Japan or the NFL in England?  WHY? They're not going to be opening up shop there so what's the point? And with Bud Selig, the answer is always the same: $.

And speaking of $$$$$, you don't think the A's wouldn't mind getting the receipts for an Opening Day game? It's the one game that everyone sells out. You don't think the Coliseum employees would like to get paid for another day? Last I checked, the economy could use a bit of help and Oakland could use the boosted attendance.

Which leads me to my third point: if you're going to schedule a game outside of either fanbase's timezone, do it when the fans can watch.  It was 3 a.m. in Seattle and Oakland when the game started. Outside of the lazy hippies and gangbangers in those cities, no one was up at that time to watch the game.

If I'm Bud Selig, I would be more concerned with the fact that you just had to save a franchise in LA while the same problem is happening to his buddy in New York. He has has much bigger fish to fry than making sure Ichiro gets a hero's welcome in Japan.

Fix your sport and stop playing favorites, you toupee-wearing, sausage racing, clueless fuck.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

But nooooooooooooooooo

I was going to comment on the latest Mets news, but I decided to leave it to those who do it better.

Instead, I'm going in a different direction. After just re-reading the outstanding 2002 history of "Saturday Night Live", it made me wonder who would make up my Mount Rushmore of SNL performers.

1. Eddie Murphy. A no-brainer. The absolute best all-around performer in the history of the show. Mr. Robinson, Gumby, Buckwheat, Velvet Jones, the list goes on and on.

2. John Belushi. I have to pay tribute to the original cast and with all due respect to Dan Aykroyd, I'm going with Belushi. From the Samurai to Joe Cocker to The Godfather, Belushi was amazing.

3. Dana Carvey. I don't think he ever got credit for what he brought to the show in the mid-80s renaissance. The Church Lady, Bush, Hans, Garth, etc... Carvey was the MVP of an amazing ensemble.

4. Will Ferrell. I could have gone in a couple different directions here but I felt like honoring one from each era, and who better from the late 90s/early 00s than Ferrell? Great enough to have two "Best of" DVDs.

There's my list. What say you guys?

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

A Tale of Two Pities

Gary Carter really was a decent human being. Why does it seem like he was the only one from that 1986 team?

I would never call what happened to Lenny Dykstra a tragedy because he made his own choices, but I can't fathom how ANOTHER '86 Met just couldn't get his shit together. Dykstra joins the list of Gooden, Strawberry, Mitchell, Backman, and Ojeda...hell, even Davey Johnson was blackballed from the game and he was (relatively) clean.

What is it about that '86 squad that wound up producing that bunch of drug users, tax cheats, wife beaters, et al? I'm not naive enough to think they were the ONLY guys getting into trouble but that '86 stigma is so bad, that it scared the Wilpons from acknowledging it for years.

It's ironic that as we say goodbye to one iconic Met, we shake our heads yet again at another one.