Saturday, March 31, 2012

Go Fuck Yourself, Hollywood Part II Again Two

Hollywood, I totally understand you're in the business of making money. I get that, really.  But for the love of fuck, STOP MAKING UNNECESSARY SEQUELS.

Obviously everything can't be "The Godfather, Part II" but who exactly was clamoring for sequels to "Midnight Run" and "Twins"?

If you haven't seen "Midnight Run", I highly suggest you bump it to the top of your viewing queue. Ask this blogger if you want more proof. Or this one. A fantastic movie with a great ending and absolutely NO need to make a sequel some 25 years later, especially with Brett Ratner at the helm. De Niro's attached to it but what about Charles Grodin? If you absolutely positively have to continue the story of Walsh and The Duke, bring EVERYBODY back. And I mean everybody from director Martin Brest to actors like Dennis Farina, Joe Pantoliano, Yaphet Kotto, and John Ashton. Do it right or don't do it at all.

I liked "Twins" when it came out. It is what it is. A one-joke comedy that showed off Ah-nuld's (limited) comedy chops. Now there's word that "Twins" will become "Triplets", with Eddie Murphy being the long-lost triplet.


Look, I'm not against the idea of a sequel to a successful movie. The first three Indiana Jones movies are timeless, as is the original Star Wars trilogy. They advanced the story, they developed the characters, they weren't (totally) a cash grab. More recently, the Bourne movies were tremendous and really well-done (not in love with the idea of a Damon-less Bourne but we'll see).

Here's my problem: there were 27 sequels in 2011 alone, with more on the horizon. How about a little originality? Not everything has to be "Inception" but Jesus Christ, do we need six "Fast and Furious" films? Do we need three "Hangover" movies when the only difference is the location?

Here's a partial list of completed or proposed sequels, tell me if any of these NEED to be made.
  • Men in Black 3
  • GI Joe 2
  • Ghostbusters 3 (read my rant here)
  • Die Hard 5
  • Rambo 5 (OK I'd see this. Fuck off.)
  • Get Smart 2
  • Indiana Jones 5 (NO FUCKING WAY)
  • Mad Max 4
  • I, Robot 2
  • Austin Powers 4
  • Falling Down 2 (WHAT? He died in the first one!)
  • Hancock 2 (I almost walked out of the first one)
  • Top Gun 2 (Sighs...)
  • Beverly Hills Cop 4 (Eddie, just stop already)
  • Avatar 2 and 3
  • Terminator 5
  • Jurassic Park 4

Still reading? Here are some completed or proposed remakes. Again, are these needed?
  • Total Recall
  • Spiderman (How do you reboot a trilogy that began in 2002?)
  • Child's Play
  • The Lone Ranger (With Johnny Depp as Tonto. That's more offensive to Native Americans than the Indians logo.)
  • Robocop
  • Scarface 
  • Short Circuit
  • Point Break
  • WarGames
  • Time Bandits (Hi Nate!)
  • Commando
  • Lethal Weapon

Instead of trying to re-invent the wheel, how about coming up with something original for once?  Sequels are fine but like everything else in life, everything's better in moderation.*

*Except "Rambo 5", which I clearly plan on seeing with a stick of butter in my hand and my pants around my ankles.

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